2am who do you love

Before technology started.

Hi i decided to change my blog link cause yeah. I think I need some personal space from now on. Sure there are certain people who'll read this and all because I'll tell them my link but it'll be.. lesser? Url is to be changed, anyway. :)

I think I had a great h2h with those 2 girls today. Yeah I know, I know when I've my problems God is always there and the things i do, i sin. I'm just that undeserving of His love but He loves me anyway. Thank God for God. But the thing is sometimes when I talk about my problems, I want practical pointers. Don't get all spiritual when I confide in you cause it makes me frustrated knowing I'm disappointing God yet not knowing what to do bout it.

Talked to jojo yesterday and these are the words that kept ringing in my head, "People fail, people can't meet my needs". Yeah, people fail. They fail. So much. Sadly. I mean it just hit me really hard. Like, not good nor bad. But it just really hits me. Like stop complaining, we're humans. Just like how i can't meet my friends' needs. And it hurts me seeing my friends try so hard and be so hard on themselves to love me. It makes me wonder why I have such a troublesome love language. It makes me want them to give up loving me. Not that they will but sometimes I just think that.. it's time for me to try harder instead of them? I don't know. I've been trying really hard too, this is contradictory. But sure, it kills me seeing myself so hard to be loved. 

Dear Calissa,

You realised why I didn't put dear best friend anymore? Cause after browsing through the definitions of best friends, and thinking of MY OWN definition of one, I don't think we're fit to be each other's besties. I know people change and these things happen but I remember how it was back then. I really remember. And that's why I never let go of this friendship. They say you get into the biggest fights with the people most important to you cause those are relationships you think are worth the hurt. You sure are very important to me. Said you needed a little time for our mistakes, funny how you used that time to have me replaced. I mean of course I know you'll still comfort me when I need it, be there for me and so on, but let's face it, it will never be the same again. You know it, I know it too. No doubt, I miss the old us. But you've changed so much. I've changed, too. I'm sorry I failed horribly as a friend. I'm sorry I'm so demanding, I'm sorry I took up so much of your time. You may not mind but I feel terrible. I feel like a really, really failed friend. I'm sorry I can't be your pillar of strength anymore. I don't know how to be there for you and things are just getting worse. You have any idea how hurt I was when you were sorta the only one who didn't ask about me or make an effort to care after yesterday's incident? I bet you don't. Usually I'd end by saying I still love you. But today, my friend, i'll end off by saying, thankyou for trying, I really do appreciate it. I'll try to love you like I did before. 

Love, 

Me.

Dear Joanne,

I know I'm a difficult sheep. Honestly sometimes I feel so problematic I'm too ashamed to talk to you. I feel like I'm so hard to handle compared to meiyi and calissa. I open up, but my inner most feelings, they can't be expressed with just talking and words. I wish people could read tears. Anyway, I don't account much until I break down not because of the burden thing, but because compared to M & C, I feel.. I just don't feel good enough. I'm sorry. I really love you and what you've been trying to do for me. Really. But sometimes the arrangements you make, make me feel so insignificant. So small. Like what I've been doing is so. freaking. little. Even if I am already trying my best. My best can't match up to theirs.

Dear God,

Feels like I've been here forever,
Why can't you just intervene,
Do you see the tears are falling?
And I'm falling apart at the seams,
But you never said the road would be easy,
But you said that you would never leave.
And you never promised that this life wasn't hard,
But you promised you'd take care of me,
So I'll stop searching for the answers,
I'll stop praying for an escape,
I'll trust you God with where I am,
And believe you will have your way,
Just have your way,
Just have your way,
My friends and my family have left me
I feel so ashamed and so cold,
Remind you take broken things and turn them into beautiful
So I'll stop searching for the answers,
I'll stop praying for an escape,
I'll trust you God with where I am,
And believe you will have your way,
Just have your way,
Just have your way,
Even if my dreams have died,
Even if I don't survive,
I'll still worship you with all my life,
My life, yeah,
Whoa, oh, oh, oh
Whoa, oh, oh, oh
Whoa, oh, oh
Whoa, oh
And I'll stop searching for the answers,
I'll stop praying for an escape,
And I'll trust you God with where I am,
And believe you will have your way,
Just have your way,
Just have your way, yeah
I know you will,
Don't forget,
Whoa, oh, oh
You love me,
Have your way,
Yeah

Words speaking my heart from a worship song. Every.single.word.

I am jealous. I feel so envious. I'm a sinner. Why can't i match up to Cali? I haven't grown as much but God i know only You see I'm really trying my best. God at the end of the day you're the only one I'd look up to, smile and call "Father".

There's a difference between a father and a dad.

God is my Fther, Jerald and ChiaChuan are my DAD. Yes, there's a difference.

And you know what? Nobody will understand that fear when the sand was threw into my face my mouth my eyes. NOT A SINGLE SOUL. I mean except God duh. He sees everything, I'm transparent in His eyes. But other than Him, no one understands. And to me I've already tried my best to contain my anger. And anxiety, and fear. And yeah. What do you think? My best friend was temporarily blind because of it and I didn't dare to go to the beach for one freaking year. My best friend went for an operation, my team mates and i waited 4 hours outside. We were told 2 hours. We cried. We hugged. We were screaming our hearts out in our mind. It was horrible. I don't know how to describe that experience but it was.. terrifying. But we had 4, it was torture. Our competition was in a weeks' time. How did I feel? At times and scenarios like that I just wish you guys'd stop thinking every tiff is something small and as shallow as it seems. I was, dead scared. It's not just "Oh it brought up her memories and she got angry and she shouted at us. What a bitch." No. I was scared. Scared. Just scared. Not angry, just scared. Very, very, very scared. A synchro swimmer, my best friend, 6 years, couldn't see. We. were. swimmers. It meant a lot to me. 

Though we fought and clinched a gold in the end in Japan, it felt horrible in that hospital, okay? 

Think of it, your best friend losing her SIGHT. I wasn't a Christian then. Imagine. Just try putting yourself in my shoes.