Stay strong

"I won't break down, I'll make sure I'm strong enough, to be there for people around me."

Was tumblring and the above quote ^ kept appearing/ flashing through my mind. Reality struck again. 

I asked myself,

How long more am I going to wallow in self pity?

How long more am I going to be trampled by my insecurities?

How long more am I going to cry myself to sleep?

How long more am I going to let my inferiority complex affect me?

How long more am I going to bring people down so I feel better?

How long more am I going to paint that smile but feel like crumbling down?

How long more am I going to be sad because I got replaced?

How long more am I going to test them by pushing 'em away?

How long more am I going to neglect God's promptings because of my stubborn human nature?

No longer.

I wanna stop all these right here right now. I don't care how you walked out on me, left me waiting and hanging on a thread. The suspense. I wanna stop lingering around the hope that you'll be back one day, we'll resume to the way we used to be. Not because I you don't matter, in fact you don't even know how much you mean to me. But because like you, I need to care for others. Like you, I wanna reach out my hand and let God use me. Like you, I wanna be there for others. BUT unlike you, I won't neglect you. Unlike you, I won't make anyone feel replaced. Before I get to accomplish all these missions, I must first stay strong.

strong   [strawng, strong] Show IPA adjective, strong·er  [strawng-ger, strong-] Show IPA, strong·est  [strawng-gist, strong-] Show IPA, adverb
adjective
1.  having, showing, or able to exert great bodily or muscular power; physically vigorous or robust: a strong boy.
2. accompanied or delivered by great physical, mechanical, etc., power or force: a strong handshake; With one strong blow the machine stamped out a fender.
3. mentally powerful or vigorous: He may be old, but his mind is still strong.
4. especially able, competent, or powerful in a specific field or respect: She's very strong in mathematics. He's weak at bat, but he's a strong fielder. 5. of great moral power, firmness, or courage: strong under temptation.

I will have a breakthrough, I will be strong. I will be still and know You are God, God. I wanna break out of this mess. I wanna be looked differently. I don't want to be spiritually stagnant, don't want to be emotionally unstable, don't want to be mentally annoyed anymore. I want a different Lixuan.

A changed pencil after sharpenings not because of an outfit, a mask, coated paint because these can be torn, scraped away. A changed pencil because the sharpening has made me become NEW, a new me, yet real. No more pretending. No more hiding. Just the real me because I deserve it.

Britt Nicole, your songs have changed me. Thank God for Britt Nicole. But first thank God for Emma for introducing her to me. :') Thank God for God.

"Lol I had to sit back and watch you play, laugh, joke with somebody else. You tell me if you'd be the same after that."

Sorry when I change, I'll not be the pathetic Lixuan I used to be. 

Sorry when I change, you won't recognize me.

Sorry when I change, I'll be much stronger than this - no more clingy text messages, no more over-reliance on human beings, no more walking away in tears, no more crying at staircases.

And then, you'll realize how much you meant to me, you'll realize how crazy I can be, for God.

And then, you'll know how I feel when you just left me there sitting in a corner.

But right now I'm sorry I'm not strong enough YET to take the blow, to be able to accept the fact that we won't be like we used to. Right now I can only say, I don't believe you but I'm trying my best to believe I still matter to you. I'm trying to love you all over again. Y'know why?

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

And at this point of time, I don't know how to be patient with you, I'm impatient, I want to know and find out the truth asap, I don't want to wait for time to prove your changes, to prove your love. I'm killing you with my kindness. I envy you, how you grow so much and how we wanted to do it together yet just.. caused me hurt and scars. I boast, I boast in the sense that I keep talking about on twitter, boasting about our quarrels because I want someone to ask, someone to care, someone to notice. I'm proud, proud of myself for doing that much but never believing you're trying your hardest too. I dishonored, I dishonored God, I dishonored Jojo. I didn't listen to them. I'm self-seeking, the things I say, the thoughts I think, I just want the best of myself, thinking of what YOU should do to remove MY insecurities. I'm easily angered, because I lack the patience and tender care, I don't want to be nice to you because I feel horrible myself. I keep record of wrongs, I remember all the wrongs you did to me yesterday and the day before. I delight in evil, I admit, I do use sarcasm and seeing you sad makes me a little happier cause it proves you care. I don't wanna protect you anymore, to me, I can't even save myself. I don't trust you, I don't BELIEVE you care, don't believe I matter, don't believe what you're giving is your best. I am hoping, WAY TOO MUCH - excess, causing disappointment to myself. I lack the perseverance too, I've thought of giving up on this friendship. I failed you, failed God.

But you know what the best part is? I'm making an effort now, not to be who you want me to be, or who I want to be, but who I was created to be. 

till then, my friend, i'll see you at the finish line. :-) 

And Em, I know you'll read this, I just wanna tell you I'll be there for you if you need me, till the end. Please don't give up on God. Keep praying you'll feel something. Love you though this may be hard to believe :-) 

If I can do it, so can you.